Life Update

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Long time, no post! I’m not quite sure why this blog had to become the sacrifice with all of the stuff going on in my life lately, but it has. Facebook still gets a little bit of love, as do Tumblr and Pinterest even. Yet Cornucopia of Craft was just left to sit on the sidelines.

When I started this blog, the primary intention was to post anything that had to do with crafts, anything from writing to knitting and drawing. Ever since I gave birth to my daughter back in November 2010, the posts got a little less frequent. Then, after I started college in the Fall of 2011, the posts became a “once in a blue moon” kind of thing. My life has certainly still been filled with all of the crafts and various creative activities… I just haven’t been updating about it.

There is a time and a place to update this blog. I am sure that as I continue to live, I will find the time and patience to update more often. As of now, I find it difficult to even sit down for an extended amount of time to write. I feel like I have to get up and change my activities frequently, or else nothing will get done! (I am sure that is partially an illusion I am feeding myself.)

I’ve become somewhat of a social hermit, only hanging out with my immediate family and my boyfriend, and occasionally my friends. School only brought out the introvert even more, for homework sucks out a lot of time that I could spend doing any number of things.

Currently I am approaching the end of the Summer semester, after having taken a Philosophy class and a Literary Analysis class. It’s been fun, but also challenging. With the Philosophy class, it was 5 weeks of having to write an entire essay once a week. I somehow managed to get by just fine. Then I will have 3 whole weeks of freedom until the Fall semester starts. It feels like school has been going on forever, but it really hasn’t. 2 years isn’t shit, as they say.

Lilah has been a wonderful girl. She has gotten so big, and her vocabulary expands in multitudes every day, it seems. She can grasp concepts that astound me, for it feels like just yesterday I was holding her tiny body in my arms. Before I know it, she’ll grow up… but that’s still a while down the road. Sometimes I feel guilty for going to school so late in the game, but I think that Lilah made me want to do something with my life, so that is why I started going.

So… life goes on. Maybe I will update again soon. :)

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On young girls getting pregnant…

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While I should have been writing my philosophy paper that is due in 3 hours, I took a brief detour in Wikipedia land and found myself on a page containing information about all of the youngest known pregnancies and births. I was astounded that even girls as young as 5 years old became pregnant. What strikes me is the overwhelming amount of these pregnancies that involves the rape or molestation by an older male. I bet it is the last thing that these men were expecting… is for a very young girl who does not look to be at menstruating age to become pregnant.

As a mother of a very wonderful little girl, I often catch myself worrying over who should watch my daughter for me when I am not able to. I should not worry over these things, but it is an issue that continues to occur all over the planet in different cultures and countries. Rape and abuse is everywhere, and a lot of people do not speak up about it. I know because I used to be one of them.

I love my daughter to death, and I would be eternally hurt and angry if anyone were to hurt my daughter in that way. One should not be too speculative about these things, but it is worth listening to that inner voice that one may have regarding their trust of others. It’s that gut feeling.

Count To Ten

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Maybe the self was not mean to be deciphered to its inherent intracacies.
As I stare at my face, a face that bore more youth and insecurity.
I am a wisp that exists for a brief moment, then I am burned out of existence by the birth of new life.
We are connected by a web, and entangled by our derangements.
Breathing in and out is a tight sensation building in my chest
An awareness of internal organs cuts my comfort with a knife
Pressurized, immortalized by moments that were meaningful.
I clasp my hands together, count to ten
There it goes… I’m normal again

Encounters on the bus.

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While riding the bus to campus this morning, I noticed an older man with hair long enough to reach the small of his back. He had just gotten onto the bus, and he was talking to no one in particular as he sipped from his Wendy’s coffee cup. As he was finishing his sentence, his eyes settled on mine. I took this as an invitation to talk. I took off my headphones, said goodbye to “Comfortably Numb”, and asked him if he could repeat himself.

“When a person says, ‘Thank you.’ it is an expression of gratitude. When a person says thank you yet asks for more, that is bordering on begging.” He said to me. “I’ve seen people who are older than me and they don’t know very much. I’ve talked to 4 year olds who are chatterboxes.”

“Some people go through traumatic events and end up going further into themselves, unable to listen to anyone. Some people are wise beyond their years because they grew from the traumatic event.”

We continued to talk and at one point I could hardly hear him because of the revving of the bus engine, which is considerably loud, especially on the older buses.

“Maybe there is something in your brain that is keeping you from hearing me.” He responded. Then he talked about God and the Devil, and how the Devil is an entity just as alive as anyone else. He told me that some form of darkness was invading my brain and kept me from being able to hear him.

The bus stopped to pick someone else up, and we could hear a fight going on outside. He looked me straight in the eyes and told me, “Don’t pay attention to that, it’s a distraction.” and he kept talking.

He saw a tree that looked like a willow and asked me if it was a willow. I didn’t know for sure.

“It looks like a birch tree, though.” He said. “Maybe it is a birch tree that was genetically mixed with a willow tree. Maybe it was natural, or maybe it was done by man.”

“A human being is naturally born from the Earth, so if a man were to combine the genetics of two trees, is it not still natural?” I said to him.

“I never thought of it that way.” He said. “I am very glad I rode the bus today, I learned a lot. Thank you.”

I was very glad to have had an honest and interesting conversation with someone. I cherish those kind of talks on the bus. They are random and you learn about people and all the various personalities that encompass humanity.

Then he said, “I am going to get off of the bus soon. Hopefully I will see you again. Would you want my number? Life is short after all.”

I am flattered by his interest, but I am already in a relationship with someone whom I love and cherish. I tell him, “Maybe you would like talking to my boyfriend.”

“Oh, you have a boyfriend. Never mind then.” He said. “I don’t do three way relationships.”

“Neither do I.” I told him. “I like to have conversations with people on the bus. If someone talks to me, I try to listen.”

He smiled at me and stopped talking.

He was very nice about it all, but then he abruptly got up and went to talk to someone he knew in the back of the bus. He was done talking to me. He got off the bus a few stops later and said Thank You to the bus driver.

I wonder if he knew I had a boyfriend from the beginning if he would have talked to me. It is unfortunate that knowing my relationship status was a determining factor in him wanting to talk.

Young or old, male or female, I think that everyone is worth talking to at least once.

Purpose.

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When I attempt to think about purpose when it comes to life, I can surf the wave of thoughts until I come to the ultimate conclusion. That is that life as we know it will not last forever.

Eternity stretches wide in front of every being. We are aware that it exists, yet our comprehension of it is astonishingly low. We weren’t built to think about what happenings will occur hundreds, if not billions of years from now. Who am I to say what will become. The only thing I know for sure is that there is a time limit on things as simple as our human lives, to things as extraordinary as the death of the star we call our Sun. These things approach my thought process as I think about purpose.

Yet, purpose is what we make of it. The ultimate purpose of everything is unknowable. All we know is this moment, and in this moment we are alive. Every moment passes into the next moment seamlessly. All one can do is appreciate the time that one has, attending the minute particulars of all that is.

Goodbye

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There I stood on the edge
Staring back at the Earth
The planet on which I was born
A story older than comprehension allows
As my eyes scanned Earth’s shining horizon
I let go of all my fears, my problems, and my pain
My body relaxed and waves of peace
Traveled up through my toes and my legs
Through my stomach, through my heart
Coursing through my arms, into my fingers
Into my brain, morphing my mind
I turned around and danced towards the sun

Goodbye.

 

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Lilah.

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She is the most beautiful person in the world to me.
She is the wind that blew away all of my dark clouds and illuminated them with light from her sun.
She is the stars and the moon that glow in the night, revealing my path to me when I am lost in the dark.
She is the anchor that kept me from drifting into raging waters, a welcome weight to ground me when the tide rolls out.
She is the heat that warms me when I am cold of spirit.
She is a part of me, as I am of her. We were once connected in my womb, as one.
She is the reason, my reason.
My wonderful, incredible, and inspiring daughter. Lilah.

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I’ve been tagged.

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The lovely babyknitter has tagged me with a series of questions, thus shaking me out of a 6 month hiatus from this blog. I just spent two hours and one coffee on this post. It was fun, and now I am inspired to write more. Thank you!

What conversation are you dreading MOST about having to have with your kid?

I don’t necessarily dread having any conversations with Lilah, but there are going to be a few that will be difficult. There are some topics that even as grown adults, we just don’t have answers for them. Death is one of those topics. How do you explain to a child that someone is gone forever? As an adult it is also difficult to comprehend that fully, but we feel the weight of it as we grieve. Where do people go when they die? Who knows. We will never know. I would be surprised if the answer is ever fully revealed, because to me it seems like one of those permanent mysteries. However, the idea of reincarnation is prevalent. It makes sense because our bodies are biodegradable and are nutrients for the earth to keep growing. Who is to say that consciousness isn’t also reincarnated in some way? Nature is very efficient at recycling everything.

The circle of life. And it moves us all. Thank you, Lion King.

What is your favorite holiday to spend with your kid and why?

Thanksgiving. I might end up gaining 10 pounds from food in one day, but I also gain 10 pounds of love from all of my family getting together under one roof. Lilah is also the center of attention during this event, and I love seeing people dote on her.

Thanksgiving 2012. Lilah going in for the kill.

Thanksgiving 2012. Lilah going in for the kill.

What food do you wish more than anything your kid would eat?

Lilah eats pretty much anything. She even loves broccoli. I have not run into this issue yet, but I will say that there are food items she probably shouldn’t like as much as she does: crackers and cookies. I have to spell out certain food words now, because if you say them out loud she will perk up and ask for them.

If you could go back to school for anything at all, A) would you want to, and B) what would you study?

Funny you ask, because I actually did go back to school last fall. I started going to college five years after graduating high school, and I am very glad that I decided to wait. Being a student again made me realize that I can do anything I set my mind to. I am currently going for a Bachelor of Arts degree, and I love the classes I have been taking so far. I do have a soft spot for my drawing classes. They are very challenging and I feel like my art has evolved a lot from them.

Intermediate Drawing class final. Based on the golden ratio/spiral.

Intermediate Drawing class final. Based on the golden ratio/spiral.

You have won a fabulous prize of a one week’s vacation to your dream destination – anywhere in the world.  The only catch is you have to go alone (no spouse/kids).  Where does your ticket take you and do you go?

This question is very difficult to answer, because there are a lot of places I would like to go. However, you mention the aspect that I have to go alone, so that would leave Japan and Amsterdam out of the question. I would have to say Peru. It would be scary to go alone, and I also don’t know the native language so that would also pose a challenge. That in and of itself would be a very beneficial learning experience. I pick Peru because of its history with the medicinal plant brew called ayahuasca.

PRYING OPEN MY THIRD EYE!!!!!

The ayahuasca being brewed.

You have 1 paragraph to describe your neighbors.  Do it.

I hardly know my neighbors. I live in a duplex, however, and the older couple that live next to us are our landlords. As far as I know, they are nice people, but they do not support the smoking of medicinal herbs.

Reefer madness was a lie. Let’s move on, people.

What do you do when someone gives you or your kid a Xmas gift that you just fundamentally HATE?

I open up the fireplace conveniently placed next to me, and chuck the gift into the fire while laughing maniacally! In all seriousness, I have never gotten a gift that I hate, and Lilah doesn’t seem to hate any of her gifts. I will mention for ‘reasons’ that I have no interest in receiving beauty products, *cough* bath sets *cough*, or watches.

If you could drastically make-over one thing about yourself, what would it be?  Answers do not have to be merely physical attributes.

Drastically make-over something about myself? Well, I’ve been a very shy person most of my life. Speaking to strangers used to be such a fear to me, but since I started going to college last fall I have come out of my shell a lot. I can now force myself to speak to people I don’t know without much hassle, and every time I feel a little tiny percent more comfortable too. In a way, I have already made over part of my personality, but I still worry too much what other people think of me to a degree. It isn’t paralyzing, but I still think about it. I hope that over time I can gain more confidence, and I feel like I can if I stay on this path. Having a few close friends helps a lot.

If you could bring back to life one dead famous person as an attempt to impact the world today, who would it be and why?

Terence McKenna. He isn’t exactly a household name, but he was helping make progress for the psychedelic community before he passed away in April 2000. What made him different from all the other people who were delving into the intricacies of the psychedelic experience, was that he was a very well spoken and eloquent with his words. He was obviously a very smart person with a lot of life experience that helped form his opinions. Some people thought he was a kook, but he was just willing to let his mind analyze all sorts of possibilities, leaving no stone unturned. He published several books on the subjects of psychedelics and promoted the theory of mushroom panspermia, the stoned ape theory (in a nutshell: humans evolved language and intelligence by consuming psilocybin mushrooms when foraging for food), and the novelty theory. I could go on about it more, but that should be for another post entirely. If he were still alive today, he would still be coming up with new and interesting ways of looking at reality, and would surely still be making headway for the psychedelic community. I realize how taboo that subject must be for a lot of people, but he was helping to eradicate the taboo status.

THE MACHINE ELVES ARE GIVING ME GIFTS! OMGUR!

Terence McKenna: November 1946 – April 2000.

What’s your dream superpower to have as a parent?

This doesn’t count as a superpower, but if anyone has seen the film The Dark Crystal they will probably remember how the skeksis had camera bat creatures flying around everywhere, keeping an eye on the gelflings during their journey to restore the dark crystal. If I had some sort of technology like that, I would use it to check up on my daughter when she is not with me. Creepiness factor while utilizing the bat droids? Hopefully not as high as the skeksis themselves…

HRRRRRRMMMMMMMM!!!!!

Skeksis must smell like rotting chicken dumped in vinegar.

What’s the strangest example you’ve personally experienced of “multi-tasking?”

I do have an answer for this one, and the answer is so TMI that I think people would cry from the mental image. I will give a hint, however. It involves keeping a newborn Lilah from crying… and me having to go to the bathroom… oh I have already said too much.