Monthly Archives: September 2010

A dream way better than Inception, apparently.


Last night’s dream was this… I was a man and I could put a veil over my head and that would make me look like anyone I wanted to. I was using this to my advantage in a scenario I cannot even remember, but I was on the run. When I couldn’t use my disguise convincingly enough anymore, I just started to run as fast as I could, for miles and miles.

Instead of grass being the surface I ran upon, it turned into snow and everything was desolate. There was a lone building that looked like the only thing alive, and it was kind of covered with snow. I approached it and was greeted by about four or so people, one of them being a man that took extreme interest in me. He looked at me intensely, like he understood something about me that no one else could.

Years and years passed and everyone else died except for me and the man. Many secrets were explained in what felts like seconds, which was that him and I were both immortal, and that when I ran for miles and miles that I split into two, and I WAS the man from the future, and when I was running and split off into the self that ran from grass to snow, I was linked to myself, so that is why I landed where I was.

I saw some sort of pattern in the sky, like this grid that sealed all of us together as one. It was moving and had several layers, and our souls were on these layers and were passing over other parts of our souls.

For some reason the man and myself were growing older and we did not understand why when we had been mid-adult age for so many years. Maybe it was just our time.

I remember at one point during this dream I stepped out of being the main characters, and looked at this dream and thought, “Wow, this is way better than Inception.”


Mastering the pen tool…


Ever since I got a hold of Photoshop CS4, I have been experimenting with it’s tools everyday. Last week I learned how to make brushes from this awesome tutorial and since then have made brushes out of nearly every brush worthy photo I have on this computer. Then I proceeded to watercolor some random blotches, and then scan them, making brushes out of those too. It’s been very fun so far.

Yesterday I was doing my usual random internet thing, when I stumbled across “vexeling”. Click here for a good example that I found inspirational to look at. It reminded me of something I tried to do years ago with Paint Shop Pro. I wouldn’t dare touch Photoshop, for some reason the program seemed intimidating to me at the time. However, looking at these vexels, I feel inspired to try my hand at it again, except this time the proper way, utilizing the pen tool.

Hopefully I will become a pen tool master, and in doing so I see so many different ways to bring new life to my own hand drawn art. Right now I am practicing on a picture I found in stock photos on DeviantArt, but I hope once I get the hang of it, to move onto vexeling some drawings of mine.

A little more than five weeks left before the due date. I am trying to make the most of my time just doing what I find to be relaxing and fun, because I know that once she is born, she will be my focus.

I plan on using a baby carrier to hold her to my chest at all times. I cringe when I see people lug around those gigantic carseats with a baby inside. It would seem much easier to just strap the baby to yourself either in a carrier or in a sling. That way both hands are available, and the baby gets used to movements in all directions, and they are more comfortable that way as well.

Exploration of Society Mind


NOTE: Writing this post totally boggled my mind and I think I tried to tackle too many things at once. (ADD much?) I had to step away from it then come back to try to see if it made any sense. @_@

What is life? Certainly not what it has come to be. It can be hard to step outside our ways of being in this day and age, and in this society. I can only speak from the perspective of an american, and will not begin to make a generalization about every single culture in the world, when I have never even left the country before.

Having listened to many Terence McKenna lectures, one thing that gets brought up repeatedly is how our minds are culturally programmed. We get up, go to work, get our money, buy, repeat. There is little time left to do what human beings are made for: to create. Of course this does not mean that creating is impossible with what little time we have for our days, especially if we work one or two jobs, and have children to support and take care of. Creativity can be included with all of these tasks, no doubt. However, if all our time were just spent how we would want to… in a world in which the great distraction called television didn’t exist, how much more alive would our minds become?

I have nothing against movies or good shows, but I can see how it has become a habit for people to sit in front of a screen and go into vegetative mode for long periods of time without going through some sort of creative process. In my opinion, the purpose of human beings is creation, and not only through re-producing. There is a reason why we are special, and if we were bestowed with this gift or not is irrelevant. Of course this creative intent that comes naturally to all of us in different forms has been used for good and for bad. Polarities exist in this world, and for what reason I do not know, but there has been a world history of good versus evil. To conquer evil with good. Currently the world story is that we are trying to conquer our own evil intent of domination over the planet, when we could be coming up with intricately more creative ways to make sure that we are more in a symbiotic relationship with the planet, and less of a parasitic one.

Ever wonder why people get depressed so easily in this day and age? I believe that the majority of depression is born because we were not meant to be worker bees for big companies, and government is not supposed to rule our lives. It can certainly be depressing when there are so many laws to obey, and no one can rely on goodwill or common sense. Some people have a much stronger internal struggle going on between good and evil than others. Some would murder if they had to, or rape, or steal, or lie. No one can just trust each other fully, because no one knows what anyone is truly capable of. Each individual is full of endless possibilities, and we are all capable of both extremely good acts, and extremely evil ones. Having trust in someone, especially a stranger, is a very strong act of faith that I believe is admirable. Some would call having this trust a stupid thing, but it is better to trust others, or else nothing would ever get done.

I myself am not Wiccan, but I do admire that the religion only has one rule, “An ye harm none, do what ye will.” It is so simple, and if the whole world abided by this one rule, what would happen then? You can do whatever you want, as long as it doesn’t bring harm to other other people and harm to the planet. It sounds so easy, yet everything about how the world works today is exactly the opposite. There are tons of harmful chemicals in our food, fluoride in water supplies, those who would capture women for sexual slavery so they can make lots of money, those who would drug up children and use them to fight in an army, those who would make sure that we are as dumbed down as possible so that way we do not realize how much everything is going to hell around us.

It’s easy to get overwhelmed, and this topic I chose to write about is indeed endless and requires further exploration down the path of each point I brought up. I am only one person, and it is frustrating that I as one can not make a visible change to this society on a grand scale. I know there are a lot of others who feel the same, and it can be a difficult task to gather all the people who feel the exact same together, to drop everything and focus on just one task at hand… to help the world mind in order to help the people around us, and to help the earth. We are born from this earth, she is our mother.

There is something else in life that makes it hard to step away, to just drop everything in life for this cause, and that is family. I will be a mother very soon now, and I want to cherish and raise my daughter to become a wonderful person who understands that she is full of limitless possibilities. It is because of this grand love for others that all we want to do is just care for those around us, those closest to us. It can certainly be an overwhelming task to take loving every individual person on this planet, good or evil. I may not be Christian, but I found this to be an admirable task when it came to the explanation of Jesus Christ’s ways.

For thousands of years we were used to the simple mindset of hunting and gathering to collect the food, to keep warm, and to survive. There were no governments. That is why we do the same thing to this day, but in a very different manner. Now that the planet is being polluted, the story is much different at this point in the history of the world. It is too much of a burden for one person’s shoulders to change the world, and our ancestors certainly did not have to worry about the planet being destroyed at an increasingly faster rate. That is why we go back to our jobs, collect our money, and support our family to make them happy.

How do I stop multi-tasking?


More like, how do I stop having ten things to do at a time? How important are each of these different tasks? How will they help me now, or for the future? Are some just bringing me back into the past?

I have been multi-tasking for years, and it always gets worse when I have a computer available to me, especially if it is connected to the internet. When I could be drawing or crocheting or perhaps even doing some chores, instead I am surfing the tubes, inhaling information that I am so hungry for. To-do lists don’t work for me, they are usually left behind, forgotten.

Single-tasking, as pleasant and as rewarding as it sounds, is also a challenge. How can I focus when there are so many other things equally as important or unimportant. How do I stay on a single project wave without jumping around like a fish out of water to a different project within seconds?

This is obviously one of my bad habits, some of my others include: being Captain Obvious, being unable to find something I set down two seconds ago, and having thoughts that do not follow a rhythm, but always veer off, ceasing to exist as fast as it existed.

Finally, I finished a drawing.


It’s been so long since I finished a drawing, months and months probably. I had a huge crochet addiction for a while there, but then that tapered off and I started to dream about drawing. So I went ahead and finished this, which I started a few months ago. It took me about the past two weeks of drawing on and off, and I finished it today. Here it is.

The colorfulness is actually made from gluing pieces of crayola crayon wrappings to make a collage. My friend Sofia and I had made muffin pan crayons, and there was so much leftover wrappings, I didn’t want them to go to waste. I still have quite a bit of wrappings left, I wonder what I should use them for next?

I have been getting braxton hicks contractions the past two weeks or so. My uterus will randomly harden for about 10-15 seconds, then become soft again. It’s only mildly uncomfortable. I have also been having a lot of dreams recently in which she is either kicking out of me, or just coming right out of me in one push of labor. I honestly hope she is not an early baby. As much as I want to meet her, my living situation needs to be fixed before she is born! Of course, babies make their own schedule.

From awake to dreaming.


As far as I am concerned, no one gives dreaming enough credit. For as long as I can remember, dreams have always been important to me, and I feel like I have to talk about them, to get them out of me, to ponder them. I believe that this has a lot to do with the realness of the dreaming experience. There is a theory that DMT, a very powerful hallucinogen, which is already present in our brains in small doses, secretes while we are in REM sleep. If you have ever read about a DMT experience in which it is smoked, or had the experience yourself, then you would know that it is described as feeling “more real than real”, and there is a fast transition from being in this reality, in which the person experiencing it feels like they are being pulled out of their bodies.

The thing about hallucinogens, is that I do not believe they trick the mind. Some people think of hallucinating as something fake, as an experience that is not a real or valid one. I heavily disagree with this. The mind perceives an extraordinary event through the application of a substance that alters the brain chemistry temporarily. How can this be a fake experience? This is definitely a part of a valid experience of reality.

Dreaming, you could say, is like having a psychedelic experience, and because it happens everyday, it’s novelty can wear off, and a person can easily begin to dismiss their dreams. I believe that whatever happens in dreams is just as valid as being awake.

Ever have one of those dreams that you just can’t shake as soon as you wake up? I’ve experienced that a lot. I will wake up crying sometimes, or in shock at the contents and the feels of the dream I had been having. I will quickly go write these dreams down, because I believe that whatever I was made to feel, was for a purpose. I try to decode my dream experiences, to understand why it happened as it did.

Of course there are dreams that I have that appear to have no valid narrative, that seem to be a string of randomness sewed together. Then there are dreams that have a lot to do with my awake reality. I’ve had dreams in which I took a shower multiple times, because before I fell asleep it really bothered me that my hair was so oily.

Who can say that what we experience when we dream is not valid enough to be looked at as seriously as we look at our own lives while we are awake. If it is a natural state that occurs, then it has a purpose.

I used to be an atheist, and while I was, I was extremely depressed. I convinced myself that the concept of god is a delusion. I was very depressed and would have panic attacks, all because when I closed my eyes, I could only see darkness, because I could not see purpose to this life when there was no spirit for me to acknowledge.

Then I had an experience, one with DMT, in the form of a brew called Ayahuasca (this word means “vine of the soul”). It is a much less powerful, but longer-lasting version of smoking DMT. Ayahuasca has been brewed and drunk in South American for a long time, and it is used by shamans to cure disease of the soul, or of the mind.

In my experience, I felt as if I was seeing myself for the very first time. I examined my self, my actions, my thoughts, my whole life, and I could see all the mistakes that I had made. How hating myself for most of my life caused me so much harm, and I hated myself for what? What reason did I have to cause myself so much pain?

It was like years and years of self-therapy in one night. After my experience, I felt a glow, like I could understand so much more about my experience of reality, like a gloom was wiped away. I listened for what felt like the first time, really listened to what people around me had to say. Most importantly, I felt like there was a life about everything, every moment, every tree, every thought, every person, every object, everything. I could sense the energy of the earth, and it is a lot less hard to do than you could imagine. I could see how everything was inter-connected, and how no one is alone. What a wonderful revelation, to finally know that I am not alone, when I had made myself alone, told myself I was alone for so many years of my life.

I could see that “god” was not what I thought it was. God is all that is, all that is to become, and all that ever was. We are a part of god, and god is a part of us. God is not a man, nor a woman. God is much more than we can perceive, and it is the mystery. God is not limited to one religious view, and god has no rules. God is love, understanding, and creativity. God is meaning.

I do not align myself to any one religion, but I feel more attuned to this basic truth: Reality is not cut from a simple shape. Reality is in the eye of every person, and every person sees reality in their own way. Therefore, alternate realities co-exist in almost seven billion different ways. We all have our life narrative, we are all striving for a purpose. There is something very special about this, and to simply be materialistic, and base all of reality simply on what we see, and less with what we feel, is like being asleep.

This is why I see dreams as so important to our functioning. This daily experience, lucid as it is, becomes concrete through our emotions. If one were to pay more attention to their dreams, what would they end up learning? I am very curious to find out.

Finally updated my website!


After many months, I finally downloaded the drivers to my scanner, then uploaded a good portion of my finished drawings. I put them up on my website, that was art-less until just yesterday.

Click here to check out the site!

Also, those “rare” walks alone are now becoming less rare. I found a nice spot nearby to walk, that is mostly filled with trees.

A rare walk alone.


Here is a picture from my walk today. I normally never go for walks by myself, but I was told by the midwife the other day that I should be walking at least 2-3 times a week to get my baby positioned correctly for birth.

Usually I will not go for walks unless someone goes with me. Today I just threw on my walking shoes, headed outside and walked to the nearest nature place I could think of: creamer’s field. There are a bunch of geese there right now, and it’s fun to listen to them talking to each other. I wonder how well she heard them, being inside of me. I definitely want to show her the geese when she is old enough to appreciate them.

The walk there I kept sniffling from the morning chill, and there was also the glare of the rising sun in my eyes. So basically I squinted the whole way there, but didn’t have to on the way back. It was also noticeably warmer, probably because the sun was on my back. I was actually sweating pretty hardcore.

I was feeling moody before I left for the walk, but when I got back I felt a lot better. I am guessing that it’s my late pregnancy hormones ready to bite anyone who irritates me. Anything I can do to make that subside is a good.

So I stopped crocheting cold turkey, not because I had to, or wanted to. I just did. My addiction is slowly morphing back over to drawing again, so that is what I have been doing the past couple of days. When I get some more white yarn I will finally finish the Weekend in Stockholm throw that I started two months ago. It will be the first blanket I ever completed.

Pregnant for two more months!


As I am on the cusp of being in my eighth month of pregnancy, I have had this urge to find out as much as possible about babies. Prior to becoming pregnant, I have only held a baby once, and have never cared for one before. This probably has something to do with the fact that I wasn’t interested in babies, and I haven’t known many people to have them in my lifetime.

Now, however, just the sight of a newborn baby cradled in a mother’s arms with send me to tears. I never could have imagined this strong of an emotional reaction. I look up lots of videos of childbirth, as well, also resulting in me crying as the baby comes out, watching the new mother cry with unabashed joy. I know I will be bawling my eyes out after my daughter is born.

When it comes to childbirth, sometimes I am afraid of the pain, but most of the time I don’t care. I read in my pregnancy books that intense fear will actually slow down the contractions. Like a lot of other mothers who choose to deal with the pain without an epidural, I will try to find a good focal point inside my mind, and breath through it. I am sure this is going to be the most intense experience of my life, bringing a human being into the world. I just can’t help but think of it as very sacred.