Monthly Archives: October 2010

Saturday is the official due date, but who knows?


The due date is this Saturday, but it could happen any day, really. It seems to be most common to go into labor a week later than the due date, second most common to be right around the due date, and even less common to be early. I am counting on being a week late, especially since everyone I know has had their children late.

The past week I have been getting menstrual-like cramps, and they are getting a little more strong every few days. I looked it up and the feeling is my cervix thinning out, getting prepped for that big day. It hardly feels real most of the time. I am so anxious!

Everyone that is close by and cares about this baby being born, wants me to call them as soon as I go into labor, but I highly doubt that I will be agreeing to this. What if labor lasts a long time? People can’t be waiting for hours and hours. I was thinking about making the calls at least an hour after she is born and everything is settled in. I am sure some people I know would be upset by this, but honestly the only person I want next to me while I am in labor is my boyfriend. I will be nude inside of a tub full of water, and that isn’t really something I want to share with people other than the midwives and of course my guy.

More people have been asking me lately when my baby is due. It feels nice to say, “This Saturday.” and everyone is thinking Halloween baby. That would be awesome if she were born on Halloween, but I have the feel that it will be November. Who knows really? All we can do is guess!

I just know that when I finally meet her, I will more than likely not want to hand her over to anyone except my boyfriend for the first week or so. I know that so many people will want to hold her, but I think I will keep her to myself when she is new. ^_^


Solution for my cold, dried hands.


yay for mittens

It’s been a while since I completed any sort of knitting projects, since I learned how to crochet this summer and it became my new obsession.

The winter is starting to set in here. There is snow on the ground, but not a whole lot, and the air is nice and cold… and dry. Every winter I get extremely dry hands, and every winter my hands crack and bleed and it hurts like crazy. No matter how much lotion I put on, nothing helps.

Since I didn’t have any sort of gloves or mittens (I lost a pair of mittens I made over a year ago), I decided to search on Raverly for a simple pair to knit. I chose to knit them because knitting uses up a third as much yarn as crocheting does. I looked through all the simple pairs, and none of them caught my eye.

Then I saw this pattern entitled Phenomenon by Carine Ancel. They are far from simple, and I fell in love with the texture and the long cable running through the middle. They are apparently based on the pair of mittens that Bella wears in the Twilight movies. A cord struck, and I remember watching the movies and thinking those mittens looked awesome, and now I can make my own pair. Heck yeah! ^_^

I used some stash Caron One Pound blue yarn I’ve had for years. I didn’t have enough to make the mittens double-stranded, which is what the pattern would call for since I was using worsted weight yarn instead of bulky yarn. My mittens ended up a tad on the tight side as well, because I used size 8 needles instead of the only other pair of DPNs I have, which are size 11.

It’s already been decided that I will make another pair in the future when I have some bulkier yarn to work with, but for now these will have to do, and hopefully they will keep my fingers from freezing!

I broke the no-poo.


I am sorry to have to say, and feel very guilty for giving in to shampoo, especially when I have gone two and a half months without.

As I was rubbing it into my scalp all I could think about was how I am rubbing carcinogens into my skin.

I was happy to have hair that smelled good, though, and I haven’t been this satisfied with my hair’s appearance since I used shampoo and conditioner many months ago.

Maybe I will just use the products until I can get my hands on some Dr. Bronner’s soap or something like that. I don’t want to be an alarmist anymore.

I had my appointment today at the birth clinic, and saw a midwife I haven’t met before, but she seems really nice. I think I have officially met all the midwives now. I am 38 weeks, 4 days, and my belly measured 39 and a half cm today, a crazy jump from last week’s 37, but the midwife told me that this could be the baby’s positioning, or perhaps the way that each midwife measures.

Either way, this baby is going to become a reality pretty soon, and I know it’s going to hit me like an anvil to the head when I finally look into her eyes.



If you were wondering, this is what 22 granny squares looks like piled up on top of each other. Looks like a lot, huh? Well I am not even halfway! EJrkwefaklwsvfsndlk!!! O_<

That's okay. Making them is fun, but I can't wait to see the final product when it is complete. Sometimes I wonder what I am even crocheting this damn Weekend in Stockholm throw for, because it's so darn girly where the heck would I put it when I don't even have a couch to throw it on!? At least I know at the end I will have made something totally cool that my daughter can have when she gets older.

Speaking of my daughter, who is still inside of me for not too much longer, I have been working on tiny pink squares for a baby blanket. I do them when I need a break from the much bigger squares.

I think they look cute and bohemian-like, and it is going to crochet up way more fast than those darn stockholm squares!

First successful adult-size crochet hat.


After some agony over yarn and sizing, including studying many different crochet patterns for hats, I finally came to a comfortable place in which I can just make hats on my own now. It helped having some background in knitting as well, to know when things get misshapen or weird.

I have always liked this style of hat, with the little flaps and the cords that people usually just leave untied. I had made a knit style of one once, but it looked ridiculous because of the bright red color I used and it was a tad too small. Since it is that time of the year, and the snow has finally stuck to the ground, I decided to try my hand at crocheting an adult-sized version of the hat. I have already crocheted a baby-sized version that I haven’t shown off yet because I still want to add some cat ears to it. ^_^

Aren't the colors groovy?

Aren’t the colors groovy? It’s soft as well. Took about a day to make it, putting my crochet down and picking it up again several times, including having to unravel almost the entire thing the first time I tried because it was a bit too big. >_>

No cable TV for you, little one!


Or… why I will not let my daughter grow up watching cable television. A lot of people do this and see no problem with it, my mom certainly did. While I was growing up and being placated by TV, I certainly saw no problem with it, either.

Ever since I graduated high school and started to live out in the “real world” (dumb thing to call it, more like sick world), I decided not to go to college right away, and instead just work odd jobs, because I had all the time in the world, and no instant plans. I just wanted to see what it was like to be out of school for a while, to live my own life. Part of this included not being able to pay for being able to watch TV like I used to. In fact, it wasn’t even on my list of things I cared about having or even obtaining. Who needed TV when there was internet, and I have been addicted to the internet for years?

I have been without cable TV or even satellite TV where I live for about three and a half years. Let me tell you, it’s very refreshing. Commercials, when I see them now at other people’s homes, look like elaborate scheming jokes on our intelligence. “BUY THIS, YOU NEED THIS, YOUR MONEY IS WORTH SPENDING HERE!” is the mantra of commercials, and I get a little bit of vomit in the back of my throat just thinking about how people can sit there (how I used to sit there as well) and just take it up the rear-end like it’s not a big deal. I mean, it’s our choice if we want to buy something right? Well, when we are adults of course we can tell these things apart, but watching these commercials is downright dangerous to children.

When I was little, these toy commercials on cartoon channels were like heroin. I absorbed each product like it was a revelation. My mom told me that I was start saying “Coming to a theater near you!” after talking about movies I saw in the previews. When we are this young, we can’t properly tell the difference between show and commercial, and it all sort of blends together in this mess that causes our IQ to plummet exponentially over the course of many years of repeat behavior.

Also, cartoons for little kids were a lot more creative and even risque in a multitude of ways. Now everything is so dumb, not even supporting any kind of individual thought. It’s been better for decades to just read books to your children than to let them watch garbage. Of course a lot of people KNOW this, but not enough PRACTICE this behavior.

Three weeks away from my due date, and topics like this come to mind. I want my daughter to be a free-thinker, to not be confined by current ideals in society. Part of what shuts off our brains to being able to access new knowledge and information is using our eyes too much, and our minds too little. Where are all the television shows that consistently challenge our knowledge of what we know reality to be today? Where is the mind expansion? This is why psychedelic substances are illegal, because if they were legal and did not have bad press, most of which is and has been made up for years, then no one would be $8 to go see a movie, and we would definitely not be glued to our televisions. We would be seeing reality expanded, and coming ever closer to truths that we will know to be truths because they just feel right. What part about working a boring job, paying bills, and watching endless hours of mindless entertainment feels right?

Besides, can’t we all agree that we could get so much more done if we weren’t watching things all the time to entertain ourselves? It’s amazing that there are so many people out there that choose to do hobbies that are creative, and try to expand their minds as much as possible. That still doesn’t change the fact that the majority of people out there are not seeking to expand their creativity. This is truly sad, considering that human are spiritual and creative beings.

Highlights of my birthday yesterday…


1.) Getting blood drawn to check for my iron levels at my appointment. The midwives that I see are all very nice people. The midwife I saw today gave me a hug when I told her it was my birthday. Also, I got a free stainless steel water bottle, but not sure if my birthday had anything to do with that. 😛

2.) The first snow here in Fairbanks also occured. It melted by the time the day was over. Then this morning it was looking pretty promising as snow-free, but then that quickly changed and it started to snow again, and it hasn’t stopped since. I don’t really like the winter all too much, even though I’ve lived in Alaska most of my life, and grew up in pretty much the most snow-ridden place during the winter: Valdez. I remember opening the front door in the morning and there would be about 4 feet of snow blocking the way outside.

3.) My boyfriend Justin and I went to Denny’s for dinner. We pretty much never go out to eat because we are trying to save up as much as possible, but of course because it was a *sparkle* special day *sparkle* we had to. We both had burgers, and I had no idea why the heck I ordered a double cheeseburger of all things. I thought after I took my first bite into it: “Way too much meat! Dripping everywhere! Cannot fit in my mouth!” I also got a chocolate milkshake, which was pretty tasty, but I noticed that Denny’s doesn’t give you extra anymore like they used to. Five dollars just to have a tiny glass? When you mofos’ used to give me the tiny glass AND the metal thing you mixed it in?! Milkshake was enjoyed anyway.

4.) I got to buy some yarn with a gift card that Justin’s parents gave me. To me, one of the most fun and refreshing things I can do is just stand there and stare at all of the yarn, then reach my hand out to feel the textures, to admire the colors. Then based upon that, I try to envision what sort of awesome blankets, hats, bags, baby stuff, etc. I could make with it. This envisioning part usually never goes too far, because at that point I would have already grabbed about 5 yarn skeins, mainly Red Heart because it’s the cheapest. Justin had to literally drag me away from the yarn isle because I wouldn’t have budged for at least another half hour. The good thing is that now I probably have enough yarn to finish crocheting that Weekend In Stockholm throw I have mentioned before, that I started back in July.

No-Poo update: 8 weeks later.


It has been nearly eight weeks since shampoo or conditioner has touched my hair. As proud as I am of making it this far, I must say that the results of this experiment are not all the wonderfulness I thought it would be.

Ever since I bought some baking soda and have been using it on my hair once a week, it certainly does the job of removing grease and making my hair feel clean. However, usually around the fifth day after doing the baking soda rinse, my hair gets so greasy and flat. I look in the mirror and cringe because my hair has no life whatsoever. As a result, I have been wearing my hair back (which I don’t like to do), and wearing hats more than usual when it comes to the time between getting greasy and removing grease.

Also, my hair doesn’t smell good. At all. It smells like baking soda for about a day, then it begins to smell like unwashed hair, which isn’t actually a bad smell, but more like a dull one. My boyfriend misses the time when my hair smelled like pomegranate. I miss it, too.

Even though this hasn’t gone that great, this no-poo experiment, I still do not want to give in to shampoo or conditioner. I definitely do not have enough money to be able to afford these products without the sodium laureth sulfate in them, and knowing that they are a carcinogen that I rub into my scalp, I am still turned off enough by the idea to continue to use baking soda only. Perhaps one day I will change my mind, but for now I will have to stick with dull, lifeless hair.

4 weeks left until the due date…


As I approach the last month of my pregnancy, I am growing more anxious and terrified. Giving birth isn’t what scares me, it’s the fact that I will be a parent. I will be the very thing that I took for granted growing up. I never had a very close relationship with my mom, and didn’t know my dad all too well until recently. Not having the greatest of examples, I have to be the best kind of mom I can be based on what I know from watching other women interact with their children. I have only held a baby once in my life, and boy were my arms tired after about 10 minutes. I am sure a newborn baby will weigh much less, and that I will carry her no matter how tired my arms are.

The reality that I have a little girl inside me is one that flickers on and off. Sometimes I can completely let myself forget when I am wrapped up in my art, but other times it’s the only thing I can see. When I look back on my life, I can’t see anything that I have possibly done that is meaningful. Having this baby will be the first meaningful thing I will ever do, and raising her will become my life. Art has always been my life, but it’s going to have to take the backseat for a while, and I am honestly scared of that. Maybe I will be so happy to have my baby that I will just forget about it for a while. It’s just that lately I feel so inspired to complete art, now that I have decided to try out the digital realm using Photoshop. It takes forever to finish anything vexeled, however, and through this I hope to encourage some sort of patience to grow inside of me.

Next Wednesday on the 6th I will turn 22 years old. I do not feel old. How can age or number matter, or have mattered to me so much as I grew up? Now that I am almost completely done with being 21, turning any other higher number just doesn’t seem exciting. Sure it’s fun to celebrate one’s birthday, it has a lot of meaning, but the number part seems pointless. Counting years… how accurate is that anyway? The experience in just a year can feel like 10 years, or can feel like only a few days. The past 4 years feel like weeks to me, sometimes.