Category Archives: Uncategorized

Count To Ten

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Maybe the self was not mean to be deciphered to its inherent intracacies.
As I stare at my face, a face that bore more youth and insecurity.
I am a wisp that exists for a brief moment, then I am burned out of existence by the birth of new life.
We are connected by a web, and entangled by our derangements.
Breathing in and out is a tight sensation building in my chest
An awareness of internal organs cuts my comfort with a knife
Pressurized, immortalized by moments that were meaningful.
I clasp my hands together, count to ten
There it goes… I’m normal again

Goodbye

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There I stood on the edge
Staring back at the Earth
The planet on which I was born
A story older than comprehension allows
As my eyes scanned Earth’s shining horizon
I let go of all my fears, my problems, and my pain
My body relaxed and waves of peace
Traveled up through my toes and my legs
Through my stomach, through my heart
Coursing through my arms, into my fingers
Into my brain, morphing my mind
I turned around and danced towards the sun

Goodbye.

 

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Lilah.

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She is the most beautiful person in the world to me.
She is the wind that blew away all of my dark clouds and illuminated them with light from her sun.
She is the stars and the moon that glow in the night, revealing my path to me when I am lost in the dark.
She is the anchor that kept me from drifting into raging waters, a welcome weight to ground me when the tide rolls out.
She is the heat that warms me when I am cold of spirit.
She is a part of me, as I am of her. We were once connected in my womb, as one.
She is the reason, my reason.
My wonderful, incredible, and inspiring daughter. Lilah.

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Of crafts and art and things.

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Ever since I started working an almost full-time job, I’ve had less time to work on my drawings, which I try to squeeze in a bit of work on here and there. Whether it’s watching a movie with my boyfriend while we both draw weird things, or at open mic night in a packed bar. There have been quite a few people that have asked me to draw something for them, whether it be a tattoo design or album artwork. I feel bad because even though these projects are tempting and sound like fun, I have been having a difficult time getting in the mood to draw. It’s something that requires me to put myself fully into, and with a sink full of dishes and laundry that seems to never be done, it’s hard to let go in the way that I would like. It’s not a hopeless case, I just can’t wait to start taking more art classes this coming Fall.

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Bedsharing with baby

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When I started to reveal that I was pregnant to those around me, one of the words of advice I received was that I should not sleep with my baby. One of the people that told me  personally knew someone who had smothered their baby while sleeping. At the time I took this piece of advice seriously and knew that was what I would do.

But… as time passed and my baby bump grew bigger and I did more research on the topic of bed-sharing, my opinion on the matter slowly began to form. I could clearly see the benefits that sleeping with my baby could have. Not just convenience reasons, but also because it would be more comfortable and reassuring to a baby to wake up by their mother’s side. It also just seemed to make sense, considering how other mammals do this.

The night I gave birth to Lilah, she slept soundly between Justin and I. The next night we stayed at his parents house, and since we didn’t have anything for Lilah to sleep in, we were given a warning before we put her to sleep between us. The next day, his parents brought a used bassinet into the room in which we were staying. A kind gesture of course, but only a few minutes after placing my little girl in there, I couldn’t bear it. I needed her next to me. So I scooped her up and put her next to me in the bed. By the way, this mattress we slept on was definitely not made for two people and a baby, so in order to feel somewhat safer I ended up sleeping with nearly half my body teetering on the edge of the bed.

When we finally took Lilah back to our place, she continued to sleep with us. This was nice but I still hadn’t mastered the side laying nursing position and I was still using a nipple shield at the time because of latching on issues. Any sort of fear I had that I would smother my daughter was dying since I wake up every single time before I move or switch positions. I am positive that sleeping with a gigantic belly to shift around for months helped me develop the habit of constantly waking to move.

We never took the bassinet with us but after about 6 weeks I was finally ready to truly try letting Lilah sleep on her own in there. I missed being able to cuddle with Justin, and I didn’t feel this was possible because in order for Lilah to sleep next to me, I only feel satisfied if I am facing her he whole time. Talk about having a sore side, but at least I can fall asleep knowing my little girl is alright.

Now the sleep situation is great, with her sleeping in the bassinet only during naps. I know when Lilah is tired and ready to sleep for the night. Night feeds are easy since I don’t have to get up out of bed, and I can fall back asleep much easier too. Waking up every hour to check on Lilah when she was in the bassinet was just too ridiculous to keep up with at sleeptime.

It is a shame that in this culture it is mainly looked down upon to sleep with your baby. I can’t understand the whole sleeping in a separate room thing either. I believe that as long as you take the proper precautions, that sharing a bed with your little one is a wonderful experience.

Cornucopia of Lilah

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For seven and a half months I waited, growing ever more anxious about what the future would hold for me and the life that was growing inside of me. I had never taken care of a baby before and had only held a baby once. I was pretty much clueless other than knowing that they poop, cry, and have a demanding presence.

Now that I have had my little girl Lilah for about 14 weeks, I have learned that babies are certainly so much more (but of course the poop, cry, and demanding presence is just a start).

Never could I have imagined loving a human being like the way I love my daughter. I don’t mind the drool on my arms, or the spit up on the front of my shirt. I will gladly get that stray booger with my finger, bite her finger and toenails, and I have found that diaper changing isn’t really a big deal tome at all, even with a smelly and huge load that greets me once every few days. I can honestly tell you that I would do anything for my little girl. Knowing the love of being a mom has changed me, and helped shape me into a way more empathetic person.

Now, Lilah hasn’t always been a ray of sunshine. Since that first week she would have crying episodes everyday, several times a day. Most of the time she was inconsolable. Then suddenly she wouldnt nurse without being extremely fussy! So I had to call in the public health nurse Joanne, who is also an international board certified lactation consultant. She visits me at home once a week, and when I initially told her about my nursing issue, she observed and then told me she thought it might be reflux. So the next step was to change my diet, omitting wheat, dairy, soy, and peanuts to see if that would make my baby cry less.

Fast forward three days from the start of my diet: I feel so fricken hungry and rice and black beans have become my new food staple. I didn’t notice any change in Lilah so I cheated on the diet.

Fast forward another week: Lilah’s crying has drastically decreased and taken place by a squealing and smiling baby that observes. Sure there is still some random amount of fussiness everyday still, but at least I can console her.

Joanne says that usually around three months is when the mystery crying ends for most babies. I am surely grateful that it has with Lilah, because more than a few times I found myself crying along with her.

As for the topic of my lack of posts, there is a simple answer that has nothing to do with the arrival of my little girl. Our laptop needs to be fixed. For years the screen has been broken on it, so we used a cable to extend the screen to a different monitor. Then one day the spot where the cable is inserted just stopped working on the laptop. So I had to just say goodbye to the Internet for a while, and it was pretty easy considering I had my arms full of baby all day long.

The laptop still doesn’t work, but my mom sent me an iPod touch as a late Christmas gift, and so it’s been a mini savior. I can now share pictures with my relatives that live far away, and look up any random baby questions that I happen to think of. It’s a tad annoying using the touch screen to type since I am so used to hearing a sound every time I press my finger down on a letter key. So writing a post hasn’t been as fast as it could have been (I am a speed typer).

I hope to share more with future posts. I will aim for once a week. 🙂

New place, same name

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So here it is, my first attempt at making a blog using wordpress. I wanted to give it a try after using blogspot for years, and figured that this could become a long-lasting stable place for me to blog. This is a continuation of my blog by the same name on blogspot, but this time I want to incorporate more besides just general arts and crafts. The craft of writing, the craft of observing, the craft of being a mom (soon), the craft of being in the moment, the craft that is life. We’ll see where this goes, with practice and patience.

I started blogging back before it was even called blogging, before it was a widespread phenomenon. I believe I was 12 years old when I stumbled upon The Open Diary and started keeping my thoughts there, then moving onto Livejournal, and also keeping a personal website for many years devoted to my thoughts and writings. I’ve taken a long break from doing this, but I would like to get back into the groove of it again. Since it feels like I am on a cusp of a new beginning in my life, being two and a half months away from the due date of my first child, I am filled with inspiration.

So I hope that this blog can be filled with many good things to come, a place to practice my writing, a place to share the upsides to life.