Tag Archives: childbirth

4 weeks left until the due date…


As I approach the last month of my pregnancy, I am growing more anxious and terrified. Giving birth isn’t what scares me, it’s the fact that I will be a parent. I will be the very thing that I took for granted growing up. I never had a very close relationship with my mom, and didn’t know my dad all too well until recently. Not having the greatest of examples, I have to be the best kind of mom I can be based on what I know from watching other women interact with their children. I have only held a baby once in my life, and boy were my arms tired after about 10 minutes. I am sure a newborn baby will weigh much less, and that I will carry her no matter how tired my arms are.

The reality that I have a little girl inside me is one that flickers on and off. Sometimes I can completely let myself forget when I am wrapped up in my art, but other times it’s the only thing I can see. When I look back on my life, I can’t see anything that I have possibly done that is meaningful. Having this baby will be the first meaningful thing I will ever do, and raising her will become my life. Art has always been my life, but it’s going to have to take the backseat for a while, and I am honestly scared of that. Maybe I will be so happy to have my baby that I will just forget about it for a while. It’s just that lately I feel so inspired to complete art, now that I have decided to try out the digital realm using Photoshop. It takes forever to finish anything vexeled, however, and through this I hope to encourage some sort of patience to grow inside of me.

Next Wednesday on the 6th I will turn 22 years old. I do not feel old. How can age or number matter, or have mattered to me so much as I grew up? Now that I am almost completely done with being 21, turning any other higher number just doesn’t seem exciting. Sure it’s fun to celebrate one’s birthday, it has a lot of meaning, but the number part seems pointless. Counting years… how accurate is that anyway? The experience in just a year can feel like 10 years, or can feel like only a few days. The past 4 years feel like weeks to me, sometimes.


Pregnant for two more months!


As I am on the cusp of being in my eighth month of pregnancy, I have had this urge to find out as much as possible about babies. Prior to becoming pregnant, I have only held a baby once, and have never cared for one before. This probably has something to do with the fact that I wasn’t interested in babies, and I haven’t known many people to have them in my lifetime.

Now, however, just the sight of a newborn baby cradled in a mother’s arms with send me to tears. I never could have imagined this strong of an emotional reaction. I look up lots of videos of childbirth, as well, also resulting in me crying as the baby comes out, watching the new mother cry with unabashed joy. I know I will be bawling my eyes out after my daughter is born.

When it comes to childbirth, sometimes I am afraid of the pain, but most of the time I don’t care. I read in my pregnancy books that intense fear will actually slow down the contractions. Like a lot of other mothers who choose to deal with the pain without an epidural, I will try to find a good focal point inside my mind, and breath through it. I am sure this is going to be the most intense experience of my life, bringing a human being into the world. I just can’t help but think of it as very sacred.