Death is the open window in which I allow the breeze to swim inside my room of life and challenge the comfort of my skin. I tried to close the window many times, only to find that there was no glass. Eternity is a weight that no person was meant to bear, and the lifespan is an eternity unto itself.
When I attempt to think about purpose when it comes to life, I can surf the wave of thoughts until I come to the ultimate conclusion. That is that life as we know it will not last forever.
Eternity stretches wide in front of every being. We are aware that it exists, yet our comprehension of it is astonishingly low. We weren’t built to think about what happenings will occur hundreds, if not billions of years from now. Who am I to say what will become. The only thing I know for sure is that there is a time limit on things as simple as our human lives, to things as extraordinary as the death of the star we call our Sun. These things approach my thought process as I think about purpose.
Yet, purpose is what we make of it. The ultimate purpose of everything is unknowable. All we know is this moment, and in this moment we are alive. Every moment passes into the next moment seamlessly. All one can do is appreciate the time that one has, attending the minute particulars of all that is.
Well, I’ve certainly gotten lazy about posting now, haven’t I?
I can’t believe it’s May already. I can’t believe Lilah is approaching her half year birthday! There are a lot of things happening around me, and it’s all happening so fast. Truly is the case that time flows faster as one grows older. (Something I always heard growing up, but never took seriously… until I experienced it!)
After Lilah and I got over our colds, I finally had the strength and a little bit of extra free time after she went to bed for the night, to begin pursuing my beloved hobby of crocheting. I’ve been crocheting almost a year now, all thanks to my wonderful crochet master sister teaching me the way! ^_^
So far I’ve… started working on a doily, then abruptly stopped 3/4 of the way through it to work on a headwrap for my cousin. I had so much fun making the headwrap that I made 2 more, one of which I was very displeased with.
Now, I’ve started working on a blanket based on this pattern. I discovered it last year, but now that my sister has allowed me to delve into her yarn preserves, I’ve decided to give it another try. Here’s what it looks like so far…
I’m just going to rotate colors throughout the whole blanket. Next up is orange, then pink, then I’ll fit blue in there somewhere. Basically a nice bright rainbow. I can’t wait to finish it! Seriously… I can’t wait! I wish I could finish it in one night. @_@
Or… why I will not let my daughter grow up watching cable television. A lot of people do this and see no problem with it, my mom certainly did. While I was growing up and being placated by TV, I certainly saw no problem with it, either.
Ever since I graduated high school and started to live out in the “real world” (dumb thing to call it, more like sick world), I decided not to go to college right away, and instead just work odd jobs, because I had all the time in the world, and no instant plans. I just wanted to see what it was like to be out of school for a while, to live my own life. Part of this included not being able to pay for being able to watch TV like I used to. In fact, it wasn’t even on my list of things I cared about having or even obtaining. Who needed TV when there was internet, and I have been addicted to the internet for years?
I have been without cable TV or even satellite TV where I live for about three and a half years. Let me tell you, it’s very refreshing. Commercials, when I see them now at other people’s homes, look like elaborate scheming jokes on our intelligence. “BUY THIS, YOU NEED THIS, YOUR MONEY IS WORTH SPENDING HERE!” is the mantra of commercials, and I get a little bit of vomit in the back of my throat just thinking about how people can sit there (how I used to sit there as well) and just take it up the rear-end like it’s not a big deal. I mean, it’s our choice if we want to buy something right? Well, when we are adults of course we can tell these things apart, but watching these commercials is downright dangerous to children.
When I was little, these toy commercials on cartoon channels were like heroin. I absorbed each product like it was a revelation. My mom told me that I was start saying “Coming to a theater near you!” after talking about movies I saw in the previews. When we are this young, we can’t properly tell the difference between show and commercial, and it all sort of blends together in this mess that causes our IQ to plummet exponentially over the course of many years of repeat behavior.
Also, cartoons for little kids were a lot more creative and even risque in a multitude of ways. Now everything is so dumb, not even supporting any kind of individual thought. It’s been better for decades to just read books to your children than to let them watch garbage. Of course a lot of people KNOW this, but not enough PRACTICE this behavior.
Three weeks away from my due date, and topics like this come to mind. I want my daughter to be a free-thinker, to not be confined by current ideals in society. Part of what shuts off our brains to being able to access new knowledge and information is using our eyes too much, and our minds too little. Where are all the television shows that consistently challenge our knowledge of what we know reality to be today? Where is the mind expansion? This is why psychedelic substances are illegal, because if they were legal and did not have bad press, most of which is and has been made up for years, then no one would be $8 to go see a movie, and we would definitely not be glued to our televisions. We would be seeing reality expanded, and coming ever closer to truths that we will know to be truths because they just feel right. What part about working a boring job, paying bills, and watching endless hours of mindless entertainment feels right?
Besides, can’t we all agree that we could get so much more done if we weren’t watching things all the time to entertain ourselves? It’s amazing that there are so many people out there that choose to do hobbies that are creative, and try to expand their minds as much as possible. That still doesn’t change the fact that the majority of people out there are not seeking to expand their creativity. This is truly sad, considering that human are spiritual and creative beings.
As I approach the last month of my pregnancy, I am growing more anxious and terrified. Giving birth isn’t what scares me, it’s the fact that I will be a parent. I will be the very thing that I took for granted growing up. I never had a very close relationship with my mom, and didn’t know my dad all too well until recently. Not having the greatest of examples, I have to be the best kind of mom I can be based on what I know from watching other women interact with their children. I have only held a baby once in my life, and boy were my arms tired after about 10 minutes. I am sure a newborn baby will weigh much less, and that I will carry her no matter how tired my arms are.
The reality that I have a little girl inside me is one that flickers on and off. Sometimes I can completely let myself forget when I am wrapped up in my art, but other times it’s the only thing I can see. When I look back on my life, I can’t see anything that I have possibly done that is meaningful. Having this baby will be the first meaningful thing I will ever do, and raising her will become my life. Art has always been my life, but it’s going to have to take the backseat for a while, and I am honestly scared of that. Maybe I will be so happy to have my baby that I will just forget about it for a while. It’s just that lately I feel so inspired to complete art, now that I have decided to try out the digital realm using Photoshop. It takes forever to finish anything vexeled, however, and through this I hope to encourage some sort of patience to grow inside of me.
Next Wednesday on the 6th I will turn 22 years old. I do not feel old. How can age or number matter, or have mattered to me so much as I grew up? Now that I am almost completely done with being 21, turning any other higher number just doesn’t seem exciting. Sure it’s fun to celebrate one’s birthday, it has a lot of meaning, but the number part seems pointless. Counting years… how accurate is that anyway? The experience in just a year can feel like 10 years, or can feel like only a few days. The past 4 years feel like weeks to me, sometimes.
NOTE: Writing this post totally boggled my mind and I think I tried to tackle too many things at once. (ADD much?) I had to step away from it then come back to try to see if it made any sense. @_@
What is life? Certainly not what it has come to be. It can be hard to step outside our ways of being in this day and age, and in this society. I can only speak from the perspective of an american, and will not begin to make a generalization about every single culture in the world, when I have never even left the country before.
Having listened to many Terence McKenna lectures, one thing that gets brought up repeatedly is how our minds are culturally programmed. We get up, go to work, get our money, buy, repeat. There is little time left to do what human beings are made for: to create. Of course this does not mean that creating is impossible with what little time we have for our days, especially if we work one or two jobs, and have children to support and take care of. Creativity can be included with all of these tasks, no doubt. However, if all our time were just spent how we would want to… in a world in which the great distraction called television didn’t exist, how much more alive would our minds become?
I have nothing against movies or good shows, but I can see how it has become a habit for people to sit in front of a screen and go into vegetative mode for long periods of time without going through some sort of creative process. In my opinion, the purpose of human beings is creation, and not only through re-producing. There is a reason why we are special, and if we were bestowed with this gift or not is irrelevant. Of course this creative intent that comes naturally to all of us in different forms has been used for good and for bad. Polarities exist in this world, and for what reason I do not know, but there has been a world history of good versus evil. To conquer evil with good. Currently the world story is that we are trying to conquer our own evil intent of domination over the planet, when we could be coming up with intricately more creative ways to make sure that we are more in a symbiotic relationship with the planet, and less of a parasitic one.
Ever wonder why people get depressed so easily in this day and age? I believe that the majority of depression is born because we were not meant to be worker bees for big companies, and government is not supposed to rule our lives. It can certainly be depressing when there are so many laws to obey, and no one can rely on goodwill or common sense. Some people have a much stronger internal struggle going on between good and evil than others. Some would murder if they had to, or rape, or steal, or lie. No one can just trust each other fully, because no one knows what anyone is truly capable of. Each individual is full of endless possibilities, and we are all capable of both extremely good acts, and extremely evil ones. Having trust in someone, especially a stranger, is a very strong act of faith that I believe is admirable. Some would call having this trust a stupid thing, but it is better to trust others, or else nothing would ever get done.
I myself am not Wiccan, but I do admire that the religion only has one rule, “An ye harm none, do what ye will.” It is so simple, and if the whole world abided by this one rule, what would happen then? You can do whatever you want, as long as it doesn’t bring harm to other other people and harm to the planet. It sounds so easy, yet everything about how the world works today is exactly the opposite. There are tons of harmful chemicals in our food, fluoride in water supplies, those who would capture women for sexual slavery so they can make lots of money, those who would drug up children and use them to fight in an army, those who would make sure that we are as dumbed down as possible so that way we do not realize how much everything is going to hell around us.
It’s easy to get overwhelmed, and this topic I chose to write about is indeed endless and requires further exploration down the path of each point I brought up. I am only one person, and it is frustrating that I as one can not make a visible change to this society on a grand scale. I know there are a lot of others who feel the same, and it can be a difficult task to gather all the people who feel the exact same together, to drop everything and focus on just one task at hand… to help the world mind in order to help the people around us, and to help the earth. We are born from this earth, she is our mother.
There is something else in life that makes it hard to step away, to just drop everything in life for this cause, and that is family. I will be a mother very soon now, and I want to cherish and raise my daughter to become a wonderful person who understands that she is full of limitless possibilities. It is because of this grand love for others that all we want to do is just care for those around us, those closest to us. It can certainly be an overwhelming task to take loving every individual person on this planet, good or evil. I may not be Christian, but I found this to be an admirable task when it came to the explanation of Jesus Christ’s ways.
For thousands of years we were used to the simple mindset of hunting and gathering to collect the food, to keep warm, and to survive. There were no governments. That is why we do the same thing to this day, but in a very different manner. Now that the planet is being polluted, the story is much different at this point in the history of the world. It is too much of a burden for one person’s shoulders to change the world, and our ancestors certainly did not have to worry about the planet being destroyed at an increasingly faster rate. That is why we go back to our jobs, collect our money, and support our family to make them happy.
More like, how do I stop having ten things to do at a time? How important are each of these different tasks? How will they help me now, or for the future? Are some just bringing me back into the past?
I have been multi-tasking for years, and it always gets worse when I have a computer available to me, especially if it is connected to the internet. When I could be drawing or crocheting or perhaps even doing some chores, instead I am surfing the tubes, inhaling information that I am so hungry for. To-do lists don’t work for me, they are usually left behind, forgotten.
Single-tasking, as pleasant and as rewarding as it sounds, is also a challenge. How can I focus when there are so many other things equally as important or unimportant. How do I stay on a single project wave without jumping around like a fish out of water to a different project within seconds?
This is obviously one of my bad habits, some of my others include: being Captain Obvious, being unable to find something I set down two seconds ago, and having thoughts that do not follow a rhythm, but always veer off, ceasing to exist as fast as it existed.