While I should have been writing my philosophy paper that is due in 3 hours, I took a brief detour in Wikipedia land and found myself on a page containing information about all of the youngest known pregnancies and births. I was astounded that even girls as young as 5 years old became pregnant. What strikes me is the overwhelming amount of these pregnancies that involves the rape or molestation by an older male. I bet it is the last thing that these men were expecting… is for a very young girl who does not look to be at menstruating age to become pregnant.
As a mother of a very wonderful little girl, I often catch myself worrying over who should watch my daughter for me when I am not able to. I should not worry over these things, but it is an issue that continues to occur all over the planet in different cultures and countries. Rape and abuse is everywhere, and a lot of people do not speak up about it. I know because I used to be one of them.
I love my daughter to death, and I would be eternally hurt and angry if anyone were to hurt my daughter in that way. One should not be too speculative about these things, but it is worth listening to that inner voice that one may have regarding their trust of others. It’s that gut feeling.
I am sorry to have to say, and feel very guilty for giving in to shampoo, especially when I have gone two and a half months without.
As I was rubbing it into my scalp all I could think about was how I am rubbing carcinogens into my skin.
I was happy to have hair that smelled good, though, and I haven’t been this satisfied with my hair’s appearance since I used shampoo and conditioner many months ago.
Maybe I will just use the products until I can get my hands on some Dr. Bronner’s soap or something like that. I don’t want to be an alarmist anymore.
I had my appointment today at the birth clinic, and saw a midwife I haven’t met before, but she seems really nice. I think I have officially met all the midwives now. I am 38 weeks, 4 days, and my belly measured 39 and a half cm today, a crazy jump from last week’s 37, but the midwife told me that this could be the baby’s positioning, or perhaps the way that each midwife measures.
Either way, this baby is going to become a reality pretty soon, and I know it’s going to hit me like an anvil to the head when I finally look into her eyes.
As I approach the last month of my pregnancy, I am growing more anxious and terrified. Giving birth isn’t what scares me, it’s the fact that I will be a parent. I will be the very thing that I took for granted growing up. I never had a very close relationship with my mom, and didn’t know my dad all too well until recently. Not having the greatest of examples, I have to be the best kind of mom I can be based on what I know from watching other women interact with their children. I have only held a baby once in my life, and boy were my arms tired after about 10 minutes. I am sure a newborn baby will weigh much less, and that I will carry her no matter how tired my arms are.
The reality that I have a little girl inside me is one that flickers on and off. Sometimes I can completely let myself forget when I am wrapped up in my art, but other times it’s the only thing I can see. When I look back on my life, I can’t see anything that I have possibly done that is meaningful. Having this baby will be the first meaningful thing I will ever do, and raising her will become my life. Art has always been my life, but it’s going to have to take the backseat for a while, and I am honestly scared of that. Maybe I will be so happy to have my baby that I will just forget about it for a while. It’s just that lately I feel so inspired to complete art, now that I have decided to try out the digital realm using Photoshop. It takes forever to finish anything vexeled, however, and through this I hope to encourage some sort of patience to grow inside of me.
Next Wednesday on the 6th I will turn 22 years old. I do not feel old. How can age or number matter, or have mattered to me so much as I grew up? Now that I am almost completely done with being 21, turning any other higher number just doesn’t seem exciting. Sure it’s fun to celebrate one’s birthday, it has a lot of meaning, but the number part seems pointless. Counting years… how accurate is that anyway? The experience in just a year can feel like 10 years, or can feel like only a few days. The past 4 years feel like weeks to me, sometimes.
Ever since I got a hold of Photoshop CS4, I have been experimenting with it’s tools everyday. Last week I learned how to make brushes from this awesome tutorial and since then have made brushes out of nearly every brush worthy photo I have on this computer. Then I proceeded to watercolor some random blotches, and then scan them, making brushes out of those too. It’s been very fun so far.
Yesterday I was doing my usual random internet thing, when I stumbled across “vexeling”. Click here for a good example that I found inspirational to look at. It reminded me of something I tried to do years ago with Paint Shop Pro. I wouldn’t dare touch Photoshop, for some reason the program seemed intimidating to me at the time. However, looking at these vexels, I feel inspired to try my hand at it again, except this time the proper way, utilizing the pen tool.
Hopefully I will become a pen tool master, and in doing so I see so many different ways to bring new life to my own hand drawn art. Right now I am practicing on a picture I found in stock photos on DeviantArt, but I hope once I get the hang of it, to move onto vexeling some drawings of mine.
A little more than five weeks left before the due date. I am trying to make the most of my time just doing what I find to be relaxing and fun, because I know that once she is born, she will be my focus.
I plan on using a baby carrier to hold her to my chest at all times. I cringe when I see people lug around those gigantic carseats with a baby inside. It would seem much easier to just strap the baby to yourself either in a carrier or in a sling. That way both hands are available, and the baby gets used to movements in all directions, and they are more comfortable that way as well.
It’s been so long since I finished a drawing, months and months probably. I had a huge crochet addiction for a while there, but then that tapered off and I started to dream about drawing. So I went ahead and finished this, which I started a few months ago. It took me about the past two weeks of drawing on and off, and I finished it today. Here it is.
The colorfulness is actually made from gluing pieces of crayola crayon wrappings to make a collage. My friend Sofia and I had made muffin pan crayons, and there was so much leftover wrappings, I didn’t want them to go to waste. I still have quite a bit of wrappings left, I wonder what I should use them for next?
I have been getting braxton hicks contractions the past two weeks or so. My uterus will randomly harden for about 10-15 seconds, then become soft again. It’s only mildly uncomfortable. I have also been having a lot of dreams recently in which she is either kicking out of me, or just coming right out of me in one push of labor. I honestly hope she is not an early baby. As much as I want to meet her, my living situation needs to be fixed before she is born! Of course, babies make their own schedule.
Here is a picture from my walk today. I normally never go for walks by myself, but I was told by the midwife the other day that I should be walking at least 2-3 times a week to get my baby positioned correctly for birth.
Usually I will not go for walks unless someone goes with me. Today I just threw on my walking shoes, headed outside and walked to the nearest nature place I could think of: creamer’s field. There are a bunch of geese there right now, and it’s fun to listen to them talking to each other. I wonder how well she heard them, being inside of me. I definitely want to show her the geese when she is old enough to appreciate them.
The walk there I kept sniffling from the morning chill, and there was also the glare of the rising sun in my eyes. So basically I squinted the whole way there, but didn’t have to on the way back. It was also noticeably warmer, probably because the sun was on my back. I was actually sweating pretty hardcore.
I was feeling moody before I left for the walk, but when I got back I felt a lot better. I am guessing that it’s my late pregnancy hormones ready to bite anyone who irritates me. Anything I can do to make that subside is a good.
So I stopped crocheting cold turkey, not because I had to, or wanted to. I just did. My addiction is slowly morphing back over to drawing again, so that is what I have been doing the past couple of days. When I get some more white yarn I will finally finish the Weekend in Stockholm throw that I started two months ago. It will be the first blanket I ever completed.
As I am on the cusp of being in my eighth month of pregnancy, I have had this urge to find out as much as possible about babies. Prior to becoming pregnant, I have only held a baby once, and have never cared for one before. This probably has something to do with the fact that I wasn’t interested in babies, and I haven’t known many people to have them in my lifetime.
Now, however, just the sight of a newborn baby cradled in a mother’s arms with send me to tears. I never could have imagined this strong of an emotional reaction. I look up lots of videos of childbirth, as well, also resulting in me crying as the baby comes out, watching the new mother cry with unabashed joy. I know I will be bawling my eyes out after my daughter is born.
When it comes to childbirth, sometimes I am afraid of the pain, but most of the time I don’t care. I read in my pregnancy books that intense fear will actually slow down the contractions. Like a lot of other mothers who choose to deal with the pain without an epidural, I will try to find a good focal point inside my mind, and breath through it. I am sure this is going to be the most intense experience of my life, bringing a human being into the world. I just can’t help but think of it as very sacred.
Today is day 14 of going without shampoo and conditioner, and using the water only method. My hair wasn’t so bad the first few days, but then by day 5 my hair started to feel greasy. Now it feels greasy on a daily basis, but I am getting used to the feeling. I even rinse my hair under hot water everyday, having used a soap bar only once on my roots a week after I stopped poo-ing. I’ve read that it can take up to 6 weeks for hair to adjust, so I am 1/3 of the way through that (I hope!). I only poo’ed and conditioned every other day before I decided to go with water only.
Why water only? Honestly, because I don’t have a hold of some baking soda yet. Or apple cider vinegar, which I have read isn’t a requirement, maybe only for very dry hair. Another reason why I am doing the water only method is because I am going to be living in a cabin this winter without a water tank, and most likely without plumbing. This isn’t a big deal to me, but it was at first. I’ve never had to live without having as much water as I want immediately, but it’s okay. This was I can learn how to preserve water, and being less reliant on anything comes with a growing sense of personal freedom. The other, and most important reason that turned me on to not using shampoo or conditioner, is because of the immense amount of hazardous chemicals in it. Sodium laureth sulfate is the main chemical I am worried about. It’s carcinogenic, which is a one word way of saying it causes cancer. This scared the crap out of me when I first read about it, especially since I have been using these chemicals to cleanse myself the entire time I’ve been pregnant thus far. I am sure it could take years and years of use for some people for it to have an effect on them, but I definitely do not want my daughter exposed to them any longer. So before she is even out of the womb, I have decided to stop using these harmful chemicals, which is also in store-bought toothpaste, body wash, dish detergent, and even baby shampoo! O_O !!!
There is a lot of messed up stuff going on in the world, more than we could even possibly imagine. This was one of those things that took me by surprise when I finally decided to get my head out of my butt and research what I have been slathering onto my skin my whole life. At least I can make a small difference in my life and the life of my unborn child.
Inspired by this article on Simple Mom.
So here it is, my first attempt at making a blog using wordpress. I wanted to give it a try after using blogspot for years, and figured that this could become a long-lasting stable place for me to blog. This is a continuation of my blog by the same name on blogspot, but this time I want to incorporate more besides just general arts and crafts. The craft of writing, the craft of observing, the craft of being a mom (soon), the craft of being in the moment, the craft that is life. We’ll see where this goes, with practice and patience.
I started blogging back before it was even called blogging, before it was a widespread phenomenon. I believe I was 12 years old when I stumbled upon The Open Diary and started keeping my thoughts there, then moving onto Livejournal, and also keeping a personal website for many years devoted to my thoughts and writings. I’ve taken a long break from doing this, but I would like to get back into the groove of it again. Since it feels like I am on a cusp of a new beginning in my life, being two and a half months away from the due date of my first child, I am filled with inspiration.
So I hope that this blog can be filled with many good things to come, a place to practice my writing, a place to share the upsides to life.